Thursday, May 5, 2016

Jailhouse Dreams





Part 1: It's All About the Cookies

See, I used to work for these guys, these bears who live in the woods!  They own a cookie factory and would sit around all day long talking about how much they love cookies.  They had all the ingredients you needed to make cookies with; milk, eggs, butter, sugar, flower, even chocolate chips!  Whatever you need to make cookies with, they got it.  Yet, every single time they would get ready to make the cookies, every single one of them would go hide one of the ingredients.  So, they never got the cookies.  They just got rotten eggs and spoiled milk!  The kicker?  They wanted me to go find the ingredients they would hide!!!  Either that, or they wanted me to go buy more!!!

I never let them get me upset.  I just took it in stride, but one day I just had to say something.  So, I went in there to them and said, very calmly, "Look... if you want the cookies all you gotta do is stop hiding the ingredients".  That's when they fired me!

Of course, I lost my income, and then my apartment, and one thing led to another and this series of dreamy encounters.  This is where my story begins!  It's all about the COOKIES!!!


Jail house dreams are best
They come from a sober mind
It started with Selena...
Gomez, that is...
Before I actually went to jail
Someone broke into my apartment
They didn't steal a thing
That kinda made me mad
But, since there was only a mattress on the floor
I can't blame 'em
It was just really sad

As I made my way through the rooms
down the hallway, then to the left
I came to the bathroom door
slightly ajar
I peered inside
Where a man was in the bath tub
With his head turned from me
And, there she sat in a chair
Shaving this man's face
I just walked on by, shaking my head
Then I woke up asking what and why

When I next slept Scarlett Johannson appeared
She only said four words
"You need more time"
I had a court date set
So, I went to court
They gave me six months
I guess that's what she meant

Then, there I was in the Plantation County Jail
Where all I did was sleep, read, and eat, then dream again

Suddenly, I was in a recording studio
Gwen Stefani was doing a new rendition of "Cupid"
If you know the song
It was a Reggae version
Awesome indeed!
But, I had a job interview
So, I had to leave
As I walked out the door
I awoke to the sound
It wasn't Gwen Stefani singing that song
It was an old black preacher mopping the floor
I was so, so wrong

But, when I awoke, I had this great idea
To create an imaginary job
to help solve the healthcare crisis
Since I didn't have a job!
It's just a silly thought,
on how to fund health care for the poor and distraught

It's all about the COOKIES, you see
If you can taste the sweetness in life, savor it, PLEASE
Not everyone gets to taste it
If you do, then blessed you be
But, every day in the Plantation County Jail
You got a COOKIE on your plate
The best thing to look forward to
Besides the dreams I see

So, there I was in my limousine
on the way to a convention
An AARP convention to be exact
Where De Niro and Pacino
were there to do an act

In I walked through the door
where the crowd had gathered in
when De Niro & Pacino
came around the bend
The ladies were so excited
as they gathered all around
De Niro stayed back in the crowd
As Pacino pulled out a magic wand
He made it float between his hands
Asking, "What is the question?
What is the question?
What is the question?"
When De Niro blurted out
"The question is HOW DOES HE DO IT?"
Pacino stopped, and said...
"I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen.  I must have had a senior moment!"

"How does he do it?" is the question
That is the question indeed
How does the president fund health care for the poor we need?
We already tax the alcohol and the cigs
We gotta tax the sugar, Man!
Corn syrup's in everything
They call them sin taxes
Tax the sugar, damn!
It's a sin

So, there I was inside the auditorium
Waiting for my front row seat
To give my presentation
On why COOKIES are good to eat
Only in moderation
But, my Aunt Janet's are the best
I think I could figure out the recipe
But, I wish she would just tell me
I haven't spoken to her yet
But I still feel kin

Anyway, there he was again
Pacino
Up on stage with the spotlight upon him
He did the same trick
Only this time
I was to grab the wand
So, I did

As he asked the question
"What is the question?" again and again
That was my cue
So, I walked up there and grabbed that magic wand
and said, "The question is How Does He Do It?"
And, he said, "The real question is Who The Hell Are You?"

I then proceeded to make my presentation
Finishing without a flaw, but with a standing ovation
and a thunderous applause

Thank you for my sober dreams
From the Plantation County Jail
I have several more I could tell you about
But, I don't want to make you snore


Speaking of the AARP: Robert Love's Interview with Bob Dylan








Part 2: Imaginary Girlfriend

As you should be well aware this is an imaginary job I created for myself being that I was sitting in jail for six months and had to do something with my time.  Call me crazy, but I named myself the National Director for the White House Auxiliary Task Force on how to fund healthcare for the poor through a sugar tax.  It is also known as WHATF!!!

I mean, we're already taxing the alcohol and tobacco as sin taxes, but sugar is killing people just like those things do, and it's downright sinful how much sugar we consume through the industrial food chain that puts corn syrup in everything Imaginable...  Heck, in some places we are now even taxing marijuana and marijuana saves lives.  I should know because I haven't killed anyone!!!

I just took it a step further from an imaginary job and also created for myself an imaginary girlfriend!  Don't get the wrong idea here...  Turns out she's the world's worst imaginary girlfriend because she won't do a damned thing I want her to do!!  I mean, she won't even give me so much as a hard on!!  I'm pretty sure she works in the Department of Piss Me Off.  She recently landed a starring role in a horror film which is perfect since she's so HORRIBLE!!!  I really should break up with her, but it's complicated, you see?  Let me try to explain...

We first met on a dating website.  It was about three o'clock in the morning when I logged into my account.  Boom, there she was as the invasive chat window appeared on my screen almost as soon as I logged in.  But she was hot, no doubt; at least from the picture.  She was listed as Asian, Jewish, she liked smokeless tobacco and horses.  That was perfect!  Exactly what I was looking for; an Asian Jew who likes to chew and giddyup!

We agreed to meet.  She being a bartender suggested I come by where she works.  It was a Sunday and it was a restaurant too.  So, I got there about noon, and there was hardly anybody there.  So, I went straight to the bar and there she was just smoking hot as the picture on her dating profile!  The first word out of my mouth was Shabadabbadoo!  A word I had never said before, and it's not really a word, just and exclamation.  She asked me why I said that, and I said, "I don't know.  It just came out that way."  I said, "I guess I'm just glad you look just like you do in your profile pic".  She said, "Well, I don't really like that picture.  I'm just tired of it".

I had my camera with me so she asked me if I would take a new shot for her profile pic?  Mixed signals, but since I had my camera, I said, "Sure.  It seems kind of odd for me to be taking a picture of you for your profile when you invited me to come here, but I do have my camera right here", so I snapped a shot and sent it to her.  She was wearing what amounted to a black bikini, with one of those skirts covering what would have just been bikini bottoms.  It was a hot shot.  She looked like she had just walked out of the Playboy mansion.  We talked about some ideas I had for a publication, when she suggested that takes a lot of work, and why didn't I just do a swimsuit calendar instead.  Not a bad idea, perhaps...

Well, we talked for a several more minutes and then people started shuffling in as church had let out.   I stayed and finished my beer and then told her I would check back with her.  She said she had two pit bulls and I had one too.  We agreed we'd walk them together.  Actually, my dog walked me.  It was all I could do to hold him back.  I told her he was a beast, but a sweetheart.  She said hers weren't big dogs, but they were sweethearts too.

This is going really well, I thought.  We agreed to meet back there at the restaurant after her shift and then go walk the dogs.  So, I just went on a ride through the country and as I did, I came upon what appeared to be an old plantation house with four columns in the front.  Nobody appeared to be home, but the dog, some miniature horses and some goats.  The two trees on either side of the driveway had signs posted saying "Beware Of The Dog".  As I pulled up on the driveway he, the dog came down off the porch barking a little but mostly wagging his tail!

I decided to retreat back to town where there was a grocery store.  I wanted to know about the house and figured I'd ask inside.  As I gathered my things and made my way to the check out counter, I asked the lady at the register if she knew who lives in that house.  She said, "You know, I've lived here my whole life and I have no idea who lives in that house".  I said, "Well, I have my camera and I was just wanting to take some pictures".  To which she replies, "Well, why don't you just go take some pictures then?"

I said, "I'd really rather ask for permission before I go trampling around in someone's yard taking pictures, but thanks for the advice".  So, I made my way out of the store and back to my car (back when I still had one) and went back to the house where there was now a car in the driveway beside an old pick-up truck.  There on the screened in porch, I could see the figure of a woman eating and apple.  She came down off the porch and I told her, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but I was out driving around and I saw your house and wondered if you'd let me take pictures of it?!?"

Well, let me tell you, that just made her day.  She went rushing back inside and came out with a scrap book.  Fido was fine with me by then, as I got out of the car.  I mean to tell you, I spent the next three hours out there getting a history lesson from this woman.  She took me out and showed me the old slave shacks while carrying a bucket of apple cores.  As we walked through the pasture, the miniature horses gathered around us like puppies coming to get their apple cores.  What a crazy day that was just to have stumbled onto someone's historical site!

Anyway, time was escaping and it was time for me to go.  I still had to pick up my dog and get back to the restaurant where we were going to meet.  So, I thanked her for her time and then made my way. I got Duke, as I called him.  We were right on schedule.  We got back to the restaurant, I pulled into the parking lot, and there she was right out front.  Duke and I got out of the car and approached her with a smile.  Well, Duke was mostly drooling, but I smiled when I asked, "Where are your dogs?"  The Asian Jew who likes to chew and giddyup said, "Oh, my boyfriend is bringing them!"  And, now you "begin" to see why it's complicated. 



Part 3:  007 

I woke up the next morning thinking it was just a dream.  Had this girl actually done, what she had just done.  I checked my phone, and sure enough I had really spoken to her, and apparently really met her, but I just couldn't believe what had happened.  I remember saying to her before I did my about face and returned to the car with my dog, "Is this how you try to build your clientele, or what?"

Her reply was simply, "What's wrong?"  "What's wrong", I said, "Are you kidding me?"  Call me less than adventurous in the sexuality department, but I wasn't looking for a threesome, and much less on a dog walk except for the three dogs.

As I walked away, she said, "See you soon!"  I just looked back bewildered as to what had just happened.  This "girl" more than half my age had just played me and for what reason, other than I guess for me to tell you this story, but here's why it's so hard to break up with her.  See, her name is Ruby.  Ruby Bartlett to be exact.

I stood there the next morning after making my way downtown to my favorite spot where there's a breezeway with a television.  As I drank my hot tea called Create World Peace, by the way, there was a movie playing.  The sound was off, but the closed captioning was on and I could read the words.  It appeared to be a sixties film, or something, but I didn't recognize the actors.  They were in the Swiss Alps, or some place like that in what appeared to be some sort of concentration camp, and by concentration, I mean like of the uber rich, Scientology style.  The guard escorted the man to a room with a button next to the door.  Upon the door opening, the man willingly walked through the door and the guard closed it behind him locking him in.

It was a simple room with a clock on the wall, a desk, and a bed.  The man sat down at the desk glancing at the clock occasionally until it reached the time he was waiting for.  If I remember correctly it was four o'clock in the morning.

Suddenly, he gets up.  He has some sort of thin metal piece he proceeds to slide around the inside of the door and the frame until the door suddenly opens.  He makes his way out of the room, down through the corridors until he comes to another room.  At this point, they show him from the waist down, and what is he wearing, but a kilt!  A kilt in the snowy Swiss Alps?  Now, that's a true Scotsman!  Immediately, I start to think this has to be a Bond film, but I didn't recognize the guy.

He presses the button, and the door opens.  Up until this point there hadn't been much dialogue, so I didn't know what to expect, but this gave me even more confidence it was a Bond film when behind the door in this room lay a beautiful woman with a silk sheet pulled up to the middle of her back.  She turns her head to look at him over her shoulder and asks who he is.  He returns with the same question.  What is her answer?  Her answer was enough to make my head continue to spin when she answers, "Ruby Bartlett"!!!

Now, I kid you not, if that wasn't enough, I look down from the television set flabbergasted, shaking my head in disbelief.  It was then I had to suspend that disbelief when as I looked down, in walks a man I had never seen in town before, EVER, and I know most of the faces... wearing none other than a kilt...

So, maybe you can see why it's hard for me to break up with this imaginary girlfriend of mine.  "Strange" coincidents like this keep happening, and if I just made up a new word in "coincidents", then it should have already been a word anyway, so sue me!

These are the moments I call Disneyland moments, that can be written off to chance and coincidence to the scientific mind, but too strange and too frequent they be for me to agree.  So, I share them with you.

For the record, the movie starred George Lazenby as James Bond and was called On Her Majesty's Secret Service.  Angela Scoular played Ruby Bartlett.






Part 4: The Girl in the Green Jacket


What I thought was going to be the end of what had barely started turned out to be a beginning, before the end of her stalking.  Yes, I said "her" stalking.  More on that later...

So, the next day I get this text message from Ruby telling me she was sorry for the situation and that I should come back to see her.  She said, "I'm going through a break up with him.  It's just that we've shared these dogs for a couple of years and he had them.  That's why he was bringing them.  Come see me again.  I promise it won't happen again".  I did not reply to the text message.  I just shook my head once again in disbelief.

So, I'm walking down the street the following day, when a car pulls up at the traffic light and toots the horn.  The windows were tinted and I couldn't see inside when the window rolls down.  It was her in a G35.  I'm like "Wha?"  I waved my hand hastily and continued on my walk.  I had to get back to work.  She tooted the horn again and then continued on her ride. After all funding health care for the poor requires dedication, even though it's a dream job!

In reality, I was still working for those bears in the woods who owned the cookie factory, but would never make the cookies.  Ughh, how I dreaded the idea of another day of their Shenanigans.  It wasn't until they fired me that my troubles and my jailhouse dreams began, again.

So, after one particular week of dealing with the bears, it was a Friday afternoon, a payday.  That meant I was ready to play pool.  I went to my usual spot where another bartender I know works.  Now, this girl always has my beer sitting on the bar top when I walk in the door before I even get the money out of my pocket.  She also has a green jacket she loves to wear.  Her name is Bella.  I proceeded to tell Bella, as she took my money and turned to ring up the sale, that I had just had a week from hell.

Bella doesn't believe in heaven and hell and she turned and looked her shoulder, kinda like Ruby Bartlett did to James Bond, saying "Goood!".  I argued, "No, Bella that is not good.  I do not like working with these bears.  They have all the ingredients for the cookies, but they won't make them.  They just hide them, and then they want me to go looking for the ingredients!"  She just smiled.  I tipped her, took my change and went to the table for a game.

By Monday morning, it was a misty day and it stayed that way all day long.  It was later that afternoon, I got the usual call from the bears saying, "We need for you to go to the distributors and get a few things in the truck" which was usually eggs and milk, the two things to get rotten, or spoil the fastest.  It really stunk, to say the least, and pardon the pun.

I was on Facebook that afternoon as I sat at the desk waiting for the next call when I saw Bella at the top of the activity list listening to a song called Jesus Christ by a band called Brand New.  I thought that was interesting.  Here's this girl who doesn't believe in heaven and hell and yet she's listening to this song called Jesus Christ.  So, I took a quick listen before heading off to get more cookie stuff!  It was good and really captured a lot of the struggles of the mind of thinking Christians.  I wrote on her page, "You better listen to Jesus Christ".  She replied within seconds with a "Hahahahah".  But, I had to make a run, so off I went in the Cookie Mobile!

You don't see bartenders out during the day, every day... since they usually work into the wee hours of the morning.  But, on this particular morning as I was rounding the corner, I could see at the next intersection there was someone wearing a green jacket.  Bella doesn't know I drive the Cookie Mobile, otherwise known as "The Truck".  The windshield wipers were going.  I had my hoodie on and she couldn't see me, but as she got in front of the truck, I tooted the horn.  She waved as if wondering who I was, but as friendly as she is, she waved back.

I rolled down the window and said, "You know who this is", as she was still in the cross walk just a few feet away.  She turned and said, "Ohhh, hey!" as she proceeded to the other side, I yelled out to her, "You better listen to Jesus Christ!"  She got to the corner, turned around and said, "Wha???", in the way that she does...

The light turned green, and it was time for me to go, but I waited long enough for her to get to the other side, right in front of the bank.  Once again, I yelled out to her, "You better listen to Jesus Christ!", when once again she replied with a "Wha???".  I swear to you, it was precisely at that moment as if the flood gates of heaven opened up and just dumped all over her, soaking her and her green jacket, almost like the Truman show!!  It wasn't raining any harder on the truck just a few yards away.  It was incredible, and once again one of the moments where the scientific mind will write it all off to coincidence.

Now, if I was a true gentleman I would have turned around and picked her up, though the bears would frown on that while using the company vehicle.  So, I just laughed and waved to her as I proceeded on my route.  When I finally got back to the office, I got back online and I went to her Facebook page and reiterated the same thing, "See... You better listen to Jesus Christ, because it's as if he just baptized you himself!"  And, you can take that to the bank!



Part 5: Acid Trip?

So, two guys stopped by while another guy was trying to give me some guitar pointers.  Since, I can't play very well, I'm willing to tune this guitar the right way, as I CAN-NOT seem to do.  Suddenly, the two other guys show up and ask, "Hey, do you guys want to do some acid... LSD?"  We both look at each other and within a millisecond my guitar pointer says, "I don't do drugs", while I just shook my head negatively; thinking... I don't need drugs to see things...

Of course, I admit, I drink, I smoke, but that's it.  I've never done acid.  I asked a friend after the incident, "Are you in control on acid?  They tell me you see things and I already see things in my dreams and in reality that somehow jive together".

He was like, "Well, I did it against my mother's will and gained her envy and her disdain".

Just let me assure you, my mother and I never had a discussion about drugs other than marijuana, and that was once and briefly.

A couple of weeks later after Bella got dumped on with what was almost like a Truman Show moment, because by the time I turned the next corner, the hard rain stopped and it just turned back to mist...

Some say authors are not to be subjects of their writing, but isn't that where it all comes from.  As a writer, humorist, storyteller, comedian... don't tell me it doesn't come from experience and not just from your mind.  Creatives might argue, but it's kind of like arguing about ARROGANCE v. HUMILITY.

...A friend of Bella's happened upon me and told me, "Bella is about to go off the deep end about this Gabe".

I immediately retorted, "Tell her to RELAX".

That was the end of the discussion.

Within the same week I sat in a local restaurant when another friend of Bella's came in and I told him the story.  He said, "She's working over there at the movie theater right now.  You need to go tell her this".

I said, "Well, ok.  I will right after I finish eating".

So, I did.

And, there she was.  I think she was even wearing her green jacket.  I said, "Hi Bella!"  Then, I went to give her a hug which she didn't seem to know whether to accept, or not, but she did; though it be just a side hug and a little scary, even to me, but I just backed, back up from her to look her in the eye and say, "Thank you for introducing me to Jesus Christ!"

She said, "You're welcome!"

And, that was that for the day.

But, let's fast forward, in reverse, back to the Jailhouse for a few minutes, where all these sober dreams occurred, that led to me telling you about my imaginary girlfriend, and the girl in the green jacket, because all those dream things occurred before my stay in the Plantation County Jail.

My imaginary girlfriend landed a starring role in a horror film.  So, some people I knew told me about it.  She doesn't tell me anything.  She is horrible.  But, I decided to go to the movie theater to see the poster everybody says was there.  It looked like her, but I wasn't too sure.  So, I decided to jump in the Volkswagen Beetle and drive on over there and talk to her.

As I did, the Beetle, suddenly turned into a bus.  I just kept driving.

I pulled into the complex and didn't have any issue with parking when the old lady that kind of oversees things met me at the sidewalk, without a word of content.  She knew me, after all.  So, she walked me to the door, where she left me as I knocked.  She answered, "Hey Man", as usual...

I walked in, down the straight hallway to the kitchen as I congratulated her on her success.  We landed on the linoleum floor, as I stopped inside the threshold from the carpet in the hallway.  Likewise, she turned to face me spinning around to lean back on the cabinet.

She raised her right index finger into the air pointing to the space next to the cabinet that entered into the supposed dining room, which functioned as the computer room.  "There's the pay stub in the frame, right there", where she was pointing.  It was just one of those cheap gold plated frames you get at some flea market because; I don't think they really make those anymore, do they?

Then, out of nowhere, you gotta understand, this girl first fucked me over on a dog walk, and I've yet to mention the story of the Salsa lessons...

Suffice it to say, after her having me make her picture for her profile, all she wanted to do was tell me about her sex life, to which I would tell her to be quiet unless she was talking about us; and I don't mean to other people.  Why would I want to hear about her sex life?  Then she said she'd take Salsa lessons with me; the very same girl who got her boyfriend to bring the dogs for a walk with me.  My imaginary girlfriend, Ruby Bartlett.  The boyfriend, LA'd it, while I stuck around, for more.

Anyway, out of nowhere, I asked her, "So, how many guys have you had sex with now?"  She promptly replied, "Four, just this morning, in fact.  They're in the next room to your left".  I went into the next room.  Turned out, one of them was a guy I went to high school with... They were in a band, practicing in her den, converted to a sound studio. I shook all there hands and then felt sick.

I had to leave.  As I made my way to the door, Ruby said, "We're having a world premiere next month if you want to come.  I turned back around and said, "Well, I'm really very busy with this new job, but we'll see.  Congratulations on your success, but really I'm not to sure if I want to attend.  The vibe is so good with you, but you squash it every time.  I really don't understand you".

"I just like fucking with you Gabe", she said.

"Well, go fuck yourself then, ok?"

Door gently closes.





Part 6: Sergeant Salvation

The door to unit 5 opened with the voice of a self-appointed angel, "Good Morning Gentlemen!  I don't know about you, but I'm going to Heaven", said Sergeant Salvation.

"Good Morning Sarge", replied one of 64 inmates in the unit.

He was the one who had supposedly knocked up a fourteen year old girl, but since she, or her family didn't complain, they locked him up for something else instead of rape.  I think it was child support.  That will really help the situation won't it.  Our penal system is totally penal, and must have been created by a bunch of penii.

This is what awakened me from this horrible dream and this is what I call arrogant Christianity.  It was time for breakfast.  That musta been why I felt sick; not the fact that Ruby had just had sex with four different guys that morning. Regardless, I felt sick for one reason, or the other.

There isn't anything in the jail house to look forward to except the COOKIE on your plate Monday through Friday, and less than 1500 calories per day, especially if you only eat the COOKIE.  You will be hungry, and you will learn to eat some things like the luncheon meat which hardly qualifies for luncheon meat.  The COOKIE, and the BUTTER, as they call it are the two best things about the jailhouse, unless you include the SHANK, which in military terms I believe it is called SHIT ON A SHINGLE, which looks like puke, but actually tastes pretty good.

  No there isn't anything to look forward to like some form of rehabilitation, job or housing assistance...  Just a bunch of prayer meetings, and Bible studies.  Nothing to make you advance in society, just the same ol' keep you down theology telling you to rise up, while whopping you with a stick on the head if you try.  

...that was the end of my sober acid trip dream, without acid, in the Plantation County Jail... For this particular day.  I suppose I should be thankful for Sarge after all, since Ruby was really pissing me off.

But, the Sarge was no dream girl, except for the brothers tend to like the big ones for some reason.  I think they must remind them of Mama, or a caretaker.  Anyway we didn't look forward to Sergeant Salvation.  She was a round, black woman with huge boobs.  Almost every time she came into the unit, she had to put us on lock down, just to prove she was the boss.  Other than a couple small skirmishes, nothing bad ever happened.  This was the unit for the well behaved...  On this particular day, not only did Sergeant Salvation enter the unit, but shortly thereafter her Lieutenant entered the room too.

Now, I gotta give Sarge credit, while she was always proving she was the boss, she maintained her femininity.  The Lieutenant, on the other hand was Butch looking and with a boob job, but she was also married to another one of the officers that looked something like Gomer Pyle.  "Where am I", I could only ask, where we have clowns running the show, completely equipped with tasers.

...

Now, the two most common words you hear in the jailhouse are Nigger, and Bullshit.  I don't use the N word in a derogatory way, but this was some BULLSHIT!  Sergeant Salvation and her Lieutenant decided to lock us down AGAIN to search the unit for contraband of various kinds.  It could have been drugs, or weapons, but two hours later after their search, they didn't find a damned thing except some extra peanut butter sandwiches, extra blankets and towels and some extra books.  These were also contraband, but really?!?  What little entertainment time we got, you gotta interrupt every effing time?  These two could have gone home and cleaned up their sons rooms and found the same things!  That's probably what they should do.  Go ahead, and release all the pot smokers, and all the others locked up for BULLSHIT while they're at it.

Now, I'm all about faith.  I might have lost my religion a long time ago, but I didn't lose my faith. But, wherever it is that Sergeant Salvation goes to church, I don't ever want to go.  I do want to know where it is because I've always said, "If I ever go back to church, I'll go to a black church".  They got the soul!  I just want to be sure I don't go to hers.  I do not want to dance with Sergeant Salvation.

And, so it was the end of the search and therefore the only thing I wanted to go back to at that point wasn't church, but to sleep!  Within minutes, I had slipped into a dream and there I was in my limo again with my driver Dewayne.  We had a full schedule of meetings with prominent figures including Megan Fox, Clint Eastwood.  We were also to meet with part of the cast from the old television show called Taxi, including  Danny Devito, Tony Danza, Marilou Henner, and even Jeff Conaway, who in real life is supposedly dead.   Heck, even Kim Kardashian was down with the plan.  All of these people were to do Public Service Announcements for this plan to tax the sugar and fund health care for the poor!   And, finally, we were to meet with Chantelle Page, a My Space sensation that launched her career there, only our meeting was an accident... What a sweet day! 



Part 7: Blur

So, there we were cruising down Wilshire Boulevard toward downtown Los Angeles, for our first meeting with Clint Eastwood.  I had never been there, so Dewayne was giving me the guided tour.

"Where's the best pool hall Dewayne", I asked.

"Coming right up Mr. Newman... on the right.  See, right there... the House of Billiards.  There's also Q's, but they say the food is better in the House", Dewayne explained.

"Ok!  At the end of the day, we'll go to the House then.  Sound good?"

"Sounds great Mr. Newman!", Dewayne responded.

Mr. Eastwood was working on a film about a giant, invisible alien that had been terrorizing the town.  We arrived early enough to get mentally prepared to meet a legend.  This wasn't a cowboy movie, but it did involve a small town in the middle of nowhere.  Turned out, there wasn't any alien at all, but the guy that basically owned the town had it wired for sound and for years had fooled people into believing there was a giant, invisible alien.  What a scam, but welcome to America, where truth and bullshit seem to co-exist.  Would you want to live anywhere else?  I doubt it, huh?  Maybe Europe, but it's probably about the same.

Dewayne dropped me off at the front door and I made my way into the building finding the correct suite on the list of tenants.  I made my way to the elevator at which point I was reminded of Ruby who inspired a poem when I was working another job in Plantation County, as a matter of fact.

 I was the assistant manager of a parking deck.  Part of my responsibilities were to take out the trash from each of the floors.  On this particular morning, as I made my way through the deck, I got to the main level where what did I find but a bra, a pair of panties, a used condom, a bag of tortilla chips and a cup of coffee all nestled together.

"Hmmm", I thought... "What in the world does the cup of coffee and the bag of tortilla chips have to do with it all".  Then, I realized!  That must have been what they had for breakfast.  I told Ruby about it later that day and then wrote these words.  Proudly, I offer these words to you in the form of Morning Sex In the Parking Deck.


Morning Sex In The Parking Deck

Morning Sex in the parking deck starts around 2am
People just can't wait to get back home
They just gotta go ahead and jam
Morning Sex in the parking deck starts around 2am

You got sex in the elevators, sex in the stairs, 
Sex in the cars, sex in the bars, 
Sex on the es.ca.la.tor... wait... 
Sex on the es.ca.la.tor wait... 
Sex on the es.ca.la.tor wait... 
That would hurt. 
Don't have sex on escalators. 
It just won't work. 

You got, Sex in the bathrooms
Sex on the patio. Sex on the streets. 
Sex just can't be beat...
But does anybody just have sex in the bedroom anymore? 
That's all I wanna know
You bunch of parking deck sex perps. 

Morning Sex in the parking deck 
It's a trend I swear to you
An epidemic, in fact
It's hard to grasp, but...
Morning sex in the parking deck can never really last
Because as soon as you think it can 
Those elevator doors open and now you have fans... 
But you still have to pull up your pants!


As I approached the receptionist, I snapped out of my dream within a dream based completely in reality.  "Hello Lannear", as her name plate read, "Did I get that right?".

"Yes, you did!  Very good!  How can I help you today".

"Gabe Newman here to see Mr. Eastwood.  We have a 3:15 appt".

"Certainly Mr. Newman.  He's expecting you.  Please have a seat while I let Mr. Eastwood know you are here".

"Thanks Lannear", and I sat down.  I figured it would be a few minutes so to calm the nerves I pulled out a Sudoku puzzle.  I always have one somewhere in a pocket, or in my back pack, or in this case in my imaginary briefcase. 

To Be Continued