Am I Dreaming?

Am I Dreaming?                            

           

I dreamt I went to join the Army the other night, only they wanted me to fill out an application using a typewriter. So, I quit.

I had another dream where this guy I know shows up and gives me his debit card telling me to go have a few drinks and play some pool on him. So, I did.

In another dream, this girl I know who is exceptionally beautiful shows up wanting to sing me a song, only her voice is terrible. So, I woke up.

Someone asked me the other day what my best time of day is. I said it was when I was asleep and dreaming, can't you see why? It's like comedy hour every night!

The best part about my dream state is when I'm totally sober. The dreams are much more intense and much more memorable. I don't know why that is, but it is. I try to sleep as much as possible just because my dreams beat the hell out of what's on television.

I can't sleep all the time, and I get bored, so I end up watching some television. One new show I've been introduced to is "Without A Trace". I'm not sure what night it comes on, but it's good. I especially liked the episode I saw the other night which included not only the regular Roselyn Sanchez, but also guest star Vanessa Marcil. And, Poppy Montgomery, the red head, Jack's girlfriend... that was no dream!

But, what I hate about television is the news, and reality t.v. I don't watch reality t.v. except for the occasional stop on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, just because I can't resist stopping when Kim Kardashian is on the screen, but it's the youngest sister, Kourtney, that's got them both beat. The problem is all they do is talk about their brother Rob, and text message people all the time while sitting on the sofa, or standing in the kitchen eating snacks! No wonder they're thick girls! They leave every snack they consume Without A Trace!

Little Kourtney hasn't caught the full effect yet, but Kim and Khloe are a little young to be so... "full" to say the least. It's not that they're fat, it's just that they're going to be!

Right now, they're still yummy, but geez girls, give the wannabee princesses something to do. Go out and get some exercise. After all Kim, you're involved with an NFL star! He's not gonna stick around for Ms. Piggy and I don't see you bringing home the bacon, unless you plan on eating it!

The most annoying part of television to me is the way the news channels beat every story to death, just like the Michael Jackson coverage we're seeing right now. It just feeds the entire idolization of the man. I am perpelxed by how many people practically worship this guy. Is this how new religions get started?

Is Michael supposed to make a come back from this... the ultimate frontier... death? That's something I've only heard of one guy, and his name was Jesus! Isn't that his gig? Michael never tried to duplicate anybody before, certainly he's not gonna try that, but it's not him, it's the fans... which, of course, is short word for fanatics!

One "fan" even called him the "Mozart" of our generation. I saw that on a Jimmy Kimmel video re-posted the day of Michael's demise. I coudn't believe what I was hearing.  Was it a dream?  Sure, he was talented, but Mozart? These guys aren't even in the same class. Mozart composed symphonies for the well to do. Michael composed big pop productions, and did a modified version of the robot for the masses!

Plus, there's the whole "Moon Walk" thing? Can you see Mozart doing the "Moon Walk"? That would be kinda like the Jonas Brothers doing... A GIRL... all at once... in a cheap motel room in Myrtle Beach... with Governor Mark Sanford waiting outside for his turn... to find another soul mate!

And, that guy... well, he's incredible! He goes on national television and tells the world his mistress is his "soul mate", but he's going to try to fall back in love with his wife... and she MAY forgive him. At first, it was that she would if he made a genuine effort, but now after his proclamation that his soul mate is in Argentina, she MAY forgive him! This is like a little girl who inserts the "MAYBE" check box in a love note sent to her by her young admirer, except she had just caught him kissing another girl in the woods during recess!

These are our leaders? This is what's on t.v.? Nothing, but kitch, purely tacky, kitchy, sappy, low-rent, take me to the emergency room on a Friday night, crapola! What the hell did I wake up for? I'm going back to sleep!

The other show that I've caught recently is the one with the girl trying to find a husband and these "posers" follow her around like she's the most desireable girl on the planet. This chick is eating this stuff up! What girl wouldn't want to be followed around by a flock of guys.

I see it all the time, especially in this day and age where we live in the "friends" generation. There are the "fag hags", and then there are these chicks that have a bunch of heterosexual guy friends and they even hang out with each other. What do they call those girls? For that matter, what do they call those guys??? Starved???

I'm one of those guys like in Harry Met Sally when Billy Crystal made the statement that 'guys and girls cannot be friends'. It's simply not possible for any heterosexual male to be hanging out with a girl and he not want to have sex with her. This is a bigger myth than say... Global Warming!!

I know, I know... am I crazy? I don't believe in Global Warming, right? It's not so much that I don’t believe in it, as it is as equally fear mongering as say something we've been hearing about for a lot longer time... that's a place called HELL!

The scientists try to scare you with Global Warming, and the preachers scare you with Hell and damnation. There's so much fear being spread in the world it's a wonder we get anything done, and maybe that's why we don't really get much done, if you think about it. We argue alot. We debate. We call each other stupid and look down upon each other while we think the other side is looking up, but then WHAMMO we get hit right in the back of the head... and not only is one celebrity dead, but five within a week! That's incredible!

Doesn't that just make you stop and think for a minute? That many famous people die within one week? What are the odds? Has that happened before? I've never heard of it. It's perplexing... just like Global Warming... Is this all a DREEEEAM?

I'm not really saying I don't believe in it, I'm just saying I spent enough of my life worrying about Heaven and Hell, and I'm not going to jump on the Global Warming band wagon just because I don't go to church anymore!

Having been exposed to religion in a deep way, my mind was tormented for years by these thoughts. It was like a constant case of bi-polar disorder slinging back and forth from heaven to hell, over and over and over again... I got through that without going totally insane, but all I hear about now is Global Warming all the time. It's as if we have this need to generate fear amongst the people all the time, and I'm not sure if it's fact, or it's just about selling books and stuff!

I'm all for being "green". Coincidentally, I wear green all the time. It's just sort of taken over my wardrobe which generally consists of a couple pairs of army green shorts, a couple favorite green shirts, and I even have a green hat, and green hiking boots. They all just gathered over time. It wasn't a conscious effort to collect them. It just sort of turned out that way. So, now I consider it a sort of statement... a fashion statement made by tattered and torn apparel that has withstood the test of time. In fact, I'm wearing a green t-shirt right now!

I'm all for living a cleaner life not only in terms of what it does to the plaent, but what it does to the body. I've douced my system with enough chemicals throughout my lifetime to have created a toxic waste land, and sobriety has not been my strong suit, but this year, I have been sober more often than not. In fact, for the majority of this year I have been sober even learning how to sleep again without the need for any chemical inducement of alcohol, or otherwise, but now all I want to do is sleep all the time, because my dreams are so good, and they’re always "green" dreams... meaning they're harmless.

Green is good, and not just for the planet, but for your body. I read a news report this morning stating that in much of the country over 30% of the population is obese with Mississippi and Alabama being two of the worst states for obesity. Colorado was the least obese with less than 20% falling into that category. I thought that would have been California, but that just must be an LA thing, and aren’t they all on heroine anyway? So, that doesn't count.

Point being, there is a bunch of fat people in this country, but that's something I never see in my dreams. fat people! You ever dream about fat people? I've never dreamig about fat people. Why don't we dream about fat people? Maybe you do, but I don't. Why is that?

I hear of some people who have nightmares. I never have those and I never dream of fat people. I can't explain it. It's just a fact! I've never hat a fat dream in my entire life! Never any dreams where I am surrounded by fat people, marching toward me as if they can barely walk, not because they just came out of the grave, but because fat people can... barely walk.

I dream of being naked. I dream of flying. I dream of having sex. I dream of all kind of weird shit like trying to join the Army but getting mad because they want me to fill out the application with a typewriter, but never about being fat, or about fat people!

Regardless, the point I'm trying to make is that I'd rather dream than watch televsion! There are certain shows I like to watch including the Daily Show, the Colbert Report and just recently I've caught a couple episodes of Old Christine, the Office and... Without A Trace.

So, maybe I haven't watched the right programs, but the news and reality t.v are my biggest complaints.

It's just the redundancy of it all. My dreams never repeat. It's always a new episode, except for that recurring dream about Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner I used to have... but that's another story I'll spare you.

Dreams are a good thing for me. I’m glad I never have nightmares. I’m sorry for those that do, but as for me dreaming is probably my best time of day. It hasn’t always been that way. In fact, when I'm in a relationship, I probably won’t dream very much because when I’m with a woman, I can’t sleep. I stay up all night, maybe dose off for a few Z’s, but sleeping becomes nearly impossible. Of course, there’s something else that occupies my time when I’m in a relationship, so I don’t mind not dreaming so much.

Sex is one of those things that is like a dream, but you’re wide awake. It’s even better than dreaming and certainly better than t.v., and it’s massively better when you’re sober as opposed to being drunk, although I have had some good experiences with other chemicals than alcohol and sex, alcohol is a sloppy drug and I don’t like having sex when I’ve been drinking, unless you’re just talking about a couple drinks, but not after a long night of consumption. I don’t know how people do it. In my experience, that’s not even sex! I mean, it’s certainly not tantra! In fact, it’s kind of like sex with a condom, it’s just about not even worth having!

But as dreams go, they are the best thing in the world... while you’re asleep... unless, of course, it’s a sex dream, but last nights dream wasn’t a sex dream as they rarely are anymore. I’m too busy watching sitcoms, or flying, or in this case trying to avoid being blown up. I thin k it has something to do with the writing of this blahg because I’ve already said I don’t have nightmares and then what do you know I went to bed last night not being able to finish this puppy up and had a dream about bombs. I think it also had something to do with the fact that I caught Bourne Identity on USA last night as well. I had never seen it and have just recently watched Bourne Ultimatum and didn’t understand the whole amnesia thing.

So, I dreamt about bombs and guns all night, but there wasn’t any fear. They weren’t after me anyway, but there were two sofas with bombs attached to the back of them. One was pushed up against a door, and if the door were opened, it would depress a button and the bomb would explode. Thankfully, I was on this side of the door. I pushed the sofa out of the way, only to be confronted by CIA agents who initially thought I put the darned thing there, but it was Jason Bourne, and I had just witnessed him doing it, though he didn’t see me!

One agent put his gun to my head, but I quickly grabbed it and punched another in the face who then disappeared from the scene. The other one, who I had taken the gun from, wanted to stick around and carry on a conversation. I left the room, and there Bourne was again planting another bomb on the back of another sofa. He didn’t see me a second time, and then I woke up, but that was only after I found a machine gun outside that didn’t have any bullets. I tried to blow up a black Ford Ranger, but the gun was just blowing air. I finally came to, and that’s when the power went out momentarily... It was weird. That’s the closest thing to a nightmare I ever had... except when I woke up... I couldn’t remember who I was, and I felt really fat!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!