Friday, November 10, 2017

Just Uber It

A man breathing heavily, is severely overweight, and barely making his way up the sidewalk, he's coming from the parking deck.  When he gets to the front gate, he leans up against a column holding his cane and asks, "Can you please call me a cab?"

The attendant says, "Sure, we'll call you a cab."  The gate attendant reaches for his phone to look up taxi cab companies.  When he does, he finds the first company doesn't even answer their phone, and neither did the second one.  Then, his phone started acting goofy.  So, he told the man leaning on the brick column to hold on.  He'd be right back.

He made his way to the box office where there were two attendants.  One of them was free and looked up immediately as he approached with phone in hand saying, "My phone is acting up and there is a man down here needing a taxi cab.  Can you help me out?"

The attendant willingly complies and proceeds to search for taxi cabs.  In the meanwhile, the gate keeper whose name is Will waits for the results.  The box office attendant picks up the phone and dials a number, only to hang up after a few seconds.  Will asked, "Did anybody answer?  Because I tried a couple and nobody answered.  Maybe we should just Uber it?"

Ranna, the girl in the booth responded with, "Well, you have to attach a credit card number to your Uber account.  So, it would need to be his, not yours".

"Ohh", Will understood out loud...

"Can we just call Uber", he wondered...

"No.  You can't call Uber", Ranna said.

"That seems like a business problem, doesn't it", he asked.

"Yeah, it seems like one to me too", she confirmed in agreement.

 Ranna continued to dial for cabbies, and continued to get no answers repeatedly.  Will said, "I guess the taxi cab companies decided if Uber doesn't have to answer their phones, then neither do they!"

She laughed out loud, as she dialed one last cab company...

Finally, somebody answered the phone.  Ranna said, "Yes. We need a cab sent to this address", and then she paused, but only for a second, and then she hung up the phone again.  She looked up at Will as he was asking, "What did they say?".

Ranna, just looked at him before bursting into laughter, as she reported, "He said, just Uber it!"

At this point Will backs away also in laughter at the situation, but remembering he is attending to a guest.  So, he makes his way back over to the man who is by this time sitting in a chair provided by another attendant in Will's absence, because it take a village, you know.

He steps up in front of the tired traveler who must have gotten lost in the wrong parking deck, because after Will explained that they couldn't get anybody to answer the phone with the cab companies, he asked, "Where is it you're trying to go Sir?"

The man replied with, "Just across the street to that parking deck over there"...

"Will looked across the street and then back at the man and said, "Why do you want to go over there, and you can't make it that far on foot, huh?"

"No, I can't make it, but that's where I parked", the man explained.

Finally, after processing the whole scene and the information, Will asks for the man's keys and says he'll go get the car for him.  The man said, "My wife is over there sitting in it.  It's in the corner, over there on the side by the entrance". 

Will makes his way over there, finds the car, and the man's wife... and proceeds to start the vehicle after not being able to find the slot for the key for several attempts until the man's wife has to put it in the key slot for him!  Go figure, huh?    Can't make this stuff up, you know.

Anywayz, it all ends well as the clunky Caddi rolled across the street and the man was able to lift himself up and make it to the car as Will held the door for him to get in.  And, away they went never to be heard from again, so far...  Kinda like a day time cabbie anymore.

Just Uber It!

...

Previously Posted:

http://gabenewmanblahgs.blogspot.com/2017/10/cleaning-supplies.html

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Race Relations Personally

Taking a knee is a respectful and peaceful form of protest, but I think it's time we stand together! The point is made. The memory not to be lost. But, at this point I think we should talk about race relations in this decade... or, so. 

This coming from a guy once arrested for causing a disturbance. The call came in reporting a black male was causing a disturbance. They found me. I told the public defender, "L@@K at me! Evidently, there is something wrong with this story. But, I'm definitely in touch with my black side... my feminine side... my Jewish side, but not my gay side! I didn't actually say all that, except for my race side.

Having been incarcerated several times in this Plantation County. I don't think ever once there wasn't some accompanying Hee-Haw, without removing myself from that part of the equation. However, the last time takes the cake...

But, all that is beside the point. Life on the streets ain't easy, but I can tell you one thing. More than one person opened their door to me, and more than once, black folk took me in. I've slept in Bethel Homes, and never heard a gun shot. I've been to Thanksgiving dinner in Monroe's public housing, neat and clean. 

Speaking of clean, here's a link to my latest BLAHG. It has nothing to do with race relations, but it tied together nicely. It has more to do with the Genius of Cleaning Supplies!

So, I'd say race relations are pretty good from my perspective. People truly do treat others with respect. For someone to open their door to you is probably the highest form of respect. And, then... they feed you too?!?! 

What do I do? Try not to make a mess!

Now, let's talk about the jail house and inmate population... 


Jail House Dreams


Previous Post:  The Genius of Cleaning Supplies

http://gabenewmanblahgs.blogspot.com/.../cleaning...

Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Genius of Cleaning Supplies

So, three guys walk into a bar and sit down right next to me. I'm just working on my Sudoku minding my own business for several minutes when one of them gets up to go use the bathroom. Several minutes pass by before he returns only to exclaim, "Whoever runs this place is a genius!" His buddies look at him like, "Huh?"

Eureka moments frequently occur in the bathroom. Just ask our president who makes it clear on a daily basis. Though, only he thinks they're Eureka moments.

So, the guy continues to explain, "I went to use the bathroom and somebody had pissed on the seat and left it" of course. "But, there is a cart in the men's stall that has cleaning supplies on it. So, I cleaned it myself!" His buddies were still dumbfounded, but me, I busted out in laughter!

"Thanks for the bathroom humor", I told him. "I'm gonna write a BLAHG because of it. This will be a very short BLAHG, but since it happened at the Blind Pig Tavern, I thought I would again point you to my previous post of the Blind Pig Rules of the House! They could add one more, and say, "And, if someone pisses on the toilet seat clean it up! Here's the supplies!"

Meanwhile, the time goes by and it's closing time. The Blind Pig kitchen closes at 10pm. Mary Katherin, one of the bartenders/wait staff was working that night. She's back and forth doing her thing trying to close things out for the day in her saddle oxfords she always wears because if you went to Catholic School for eighteen years you might wear your saddle oxfords every day too even though you're a few years past graduation and in college.

Now, the first time I met Mary Katherin, and I saw her wearing those shoes, I asked her, "Are you Catholic? Because, you remind me of that character Mary Katherine Gallager. I mean really, you could be sisters", to which she seemed to agree as she acknowledged she knew who the character was. Turns out, Mary Katherin grew up in the same "neighborhood" as I did, at least during my teens. It's always cool when you meet somebody who knows where you're from, you know? Plus, when she's an Irish Catholic School Girl that looks like Molly Shannon and serves me beer, I gotta write this stuff down!

Mary Katherin, like I said, was busy running around closing up for the day, in her saddle oxfords, on a freshly mopped floor putting out the yellow Piso Mojado Wet Floor signs when all of a sudden, I heard a thud. Everyone stopped and looked and people started to gather around her. Mary Katherin had taken an ironic spill on that wet floor while putting out the warning signs!

She's laying there flat on her back saying, "I'm okay, everybody back off. Just let me..." get her bearings straight is what she was alluding to as she sat up and then came to her feet before shedding a few tears of pain and probably what was some embarrassment. It's okay Mary Katherin! You're a tough cookie!

So, do yourselves a favor... Read these BLIND PIG HOUSE RULES, and watch this video by clicking through the link below. It's more bathroom humor! Then, pay a visit to the Blind Pig in Downtown Athens, one of three locations in Athens. Come witness a great staff of people including Mary Katherin, who truly serve the customer, even though the customer is NOT always right! And, remember, as usual, tip your bartenders and wait staff! That's a RULE, GENIUS!

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/black-angel-mary-katherine/3505930?snl=1

...

If you like this BLAHG, BLAHG, BLAHG feel free to SHARE it with your friends!  I need more eyeballs!

The Latest BLAHG:


Race Relations Personally

BLAHG On!!!

Get Your Non-Skid Saddle Oxfords Here!!!

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Irma

Well folks, I made it to the stage for Rabbit Box at the Foundry on Wednesday night! What a great experience that was after dreading it for the month prior. I started by telling them that it was just another dose of public humiliation... and I started off with a laugh I didn't know I was going to get! It ended well too landing on exactly eight minutes with a CHEER for an announcement I had made as to success after failure!

Much of life is made of hope and disappointment, but it is also made up of fear and relief. Kinda like what happened with Irma when Harvey had already caused the damage in Houston, Irma suddenly appeared with two others Jose and Katia! For a minute there it seemed like we were doomed! Katia hit Mexico and has dissipated to a tropical storm with 40 a mile winds while Jose drifted back out to sea, but is not setting its sites on the same Caribbean islands that have just suffered Irmas wrath. Buckle your seat belts people! This is shaping up to be a very intense hurricane season!

Irma made her mark in Athens. A tree fell on what was my bedroom! Fortunately, I wasn't there. See, I have been living in a cabin in the woods since February of this year. The first thing I recognized when I took occupancy was that the place was surrounded by trees. So, with this storm brewing Tuesday night through Wednesday morning, I found some place else to stay for fear that trees would be falling. Was I ever right??? Right on my bedroom to be exact! I took it as a sign, it was time to move along. Plus, it's going to take several weeks to remedy the situation. So, I've been staying with a friend. 

Coincidentally, right after I received a phone call notifying me that the tree had fallen on my bedroom, I had to suspend disbelief for a moment... When I did, a few moments later, and strangely coincidentally, my phone rang again. Only this time, it was the Bigger Vision Winter Shelter where I spent the last three years out of the cold. They wanted to talk to me about some things and my situation.

I asked Andrew, the Director, if he knew my current situation and what had just happened. He said, "No. What's going on?" I said, "A tree just fell on my bedroom where I've been staying since February". Anyway, I asked when he would be there and we agreed to meet the next morning. When we did, we discussed several options. I had called him a couple of weeks ago looking for extra work as part of the staff this time. He presented me with three different options and I'm right now trying to decide what's going to work best! From fear, to relief, just like getting up there the other night and telling my story of the street life I've lived in Athens, Ga for much of the last decade.

So, when I had told my brief story of the fact that I had grown up pretty much in the country and had spent a lot of time in the woods, only that it was at the country club, and much of my time in the woods was spent looking for golf balls... to then find myself on the streets of Athens, GA, regardless of how, or why I got there... it drew a start contrast and left a question mark in their minds. See, I've been told more than once I don't look like a homeless person, and that's probably because I don't. I know this because to this day, I still have street people who ask me for money. After years of living in the same boat, eating at the same soup kitchen, there is one particular street person, a black woman in fact, who almost never fails to ask me for money. I've gotten to the point where I just act like I don't hear her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks all white people look alike!

She's a crack head anyway, as most people on the streets who ask for money are just trying to fund their fixes. My advice, knowing full well you cannot starve in this town from a lack of food unless you're just so damned lazy to walk a couple of blocks to the soup kitchen twice a day. Beyond that, the guys sitting there holding signs get so much food given to them, they don't have to walk! But, your kind provision just enables the "ugliness of Irma" to stain the streets of downtown Athens. When even hurricanes go away, beggars remain. Don't give to panhandlers, and that's coming from a street person! I just never asked anybody for a dime. Give it to a street performer instead, and if you want a cool bracelet from a bicycle spoke, give me a call!


Where one tree has fallen, another one grows! Thanks to places like Bigger Vision, and the Northeast Georgia food bank, the poor, and even the working poor are enabled to maintain a level of dignity without making it necessary to beg. The beggars on these streets represent the same level of BS that we get out of DC on a daily basis. They're just not wearing suits and ties. Certainly, BS is part of politics and even life. It is clear. It's just that we should seek to minimize it instead of maximizing it.

Even Bernie knows $15 an hour as the minimum wage will only create a reaction in the market through automation, or higher prices and it wouldn't make a difference. One study indicated people actually lost income because of reduced hours. It's just something people like to hear and it gets votes. The problem is apparent that prices have so far outpaced wages a person can't make it on forty hours a week in an era where employers only want to give you thirty hours a week. It requires two different jobs in order to begin to make ends meet. We must aim higher as individuals before we demand the market pay us what it won't at a minimum.

As a minimalist, I'm not complaining too much about having to work without being able to afford the lavish lifestyle of a Trump. But, because of this fact, we have resources that do enable people to survive without the act of begging.

See you next time at Rabbit Box! https://rabbitbox.org/




Friday, September 15, 2017

Irma

Well folks, I made it to the stage for Rabbit Box at the Foundry on Wednesday night! What a great experience that was after dreading it for the month prior. I started by telling them that it was just another dose of public humiliation... and I started off with a laugh I didn't know I was going to get! It ended well too landing on exactly eight minutes with a CHEER for an announcement I had made as to success after failure!

Much of life is made of hope and disappointment, but it is also made up of fear and relief. Kinda like what happened with Irma when Harvey had already caused the damage in Houston, Irma suddenly appeared with two others Jose and Katia! For a minute there it seemed like we were doomed! Katia hit Mexico and has dissipated to a tropical storm with 40 a mile winds while Jose drifted back out to sea, but is not setting its sites on the same Caribbean islands that have just suffered Irmas wrath. Buckle your seat belts people! This is shaping up to be a very intense hurricane season!

Irma made her mark in Athens. A tree fell on what was my bedroom! Fortunately, I wasn't there. See, I have been living in a cabin in the woods since February of this year. The first thing I recognized when I took occupancy was that the place was surrounded by trees. So, with this storm brewing Tuesday night through Wednesday morning, I found some place else to stay for fear that trees would be falling. Was I ever right??? Right on my bedroom to be exact! I took it as a sign, it was time to move along. Plus, it's going to take several weeks to remedy the situation. So, I've been staying with a friend. 

Coincidentally, right after I received a phone call notifying me that the tree had fallen on my bedroom, I had to suspend disbelief for a moment... When I did, a few moments later, and strangely coincidentally, my phone rang again. Only this time, it was the Bigger Vision Winter Shelter where I spent the last three years out of the cold. They wanted to talk to me about some things and my situation.

I asked Andrew, the Director, if he knew my current situation and what had just happened. He said, "No. What's going on?" I said, "A tree just fell on my bedroom where I've been staying since February". Anyway, I asked when he would be there and we agreed to meet the next morning. When we did, we discussed several options. I had called him a couple of weeks ago looking for extra work as part of the staff this time. He presented me with three different options and I'm right now trying to decide what's going to work best! From fear, to relief, just like getting up there the other night and telling my story of the street life I've lived in Athens, Ga for much of the last decade.

So, when I had told my brief story of the fact that I had grown up pretty much in the country and had spent a lot of time in the woods, only that it was at the country club, and much of my time in the woods was spent looking for golf balls... to then find myself on the streets of Athens, GA, regardless of how, or why I got there... it drew a start contrast and left a question mark in their minds. See, I've been told more than once I don't look like a homeless person, and that's probably because I don't. I know this because to this day, I still have street people who ask me for money. After years of living in the same boat, eating at the same soup kitchen, there is one particular street person, a black woman in fact, who almost never fails to ask me for money. I've gotten to the point where I just act like I don't hear her, but I'm pretty sure she thinks all white people look alike!

She's a crack head anyway, as most people on the streets who ask for money are just trying to fund their fixes. My advice, knowing full well you cannot starve in this town from a lack of food unless you're just so damned lazy to walk a couple of blocks to the soup kitchen twice a day. Beyond that, the guys sitting there holding signs get so much food given to them, they don't have to walk! But, your kind provision just enables the "ugliness of Irma" to stain the streets of downtown Athens. When even hurricanes go away, beggars remain. Don't give to panhandlers, and that's coming from a street person! I just never asked anybody for a dime. Give it to a street performer instead, and if you want a cool bracelet from a bicycle spoke, give me a call!

For Bicycle Bracelets Click Here!

Where one tree has fallen, another one grows! Thanks to places like Bigger Vision, and the Northeast Georgia food bank, the poor, and even the working poor are enabled to maintain a level of dignity without making it necessary to beg. The beggars on these streets represent the same level of BS that we get out of DC on a daily basis. They're just not wearing suits and ties. Certainly, BS is part of politics and even life. It is clear. It's just that we should seek to minimize it instead of maximizing it.

Even Bernie knows $15 an hour as the minimum wage will only create a reaction in the market through automation, or higher prices and it wouldn't make a difference. One study indicated people actually lost income because of reduced hours. It's just something people like to hear and it gets votes. The problem is apparent that prices have so far out paced wages a person can't make it on forty hours a week in an era where employers only want to give you thirty hours a week. It requires two different jobs in order to begin to make ends meet. We must aim higher as individuals before we demand the market pay us what it won't at a minimum.

As a minimalist, I'm not complaining too much about having to work without being able to afford the lavish lifestyle of a Trump. But, because of this fact, we have resources that do enable people to survive without the act of begging.

See you next time at Rabbit Box! https://rabbitbox.org/

Friday, August 11, 2017

3:33



I stumbled across this MEME seemingly serendipitously and thought to myself it would be pessimistic for me not to share it because I've experienced so many miracles in life I call them Disneyland moments...

Early this morning, I heard a clap of thunder and at exactly 3:33 I was awakened by the loudest clap of thunder I've ever heard in my life. As I stood up you could feel it tremoring in the floor. This is especially important to me and if you've followed my BLAHG posts over the years you know why.

Three is a spiritually significant number not only in Christianity, but in various religions dating back even before Christianity. Three, in my experience, demands attention as the claps of thunder certainly got mine.

The last time a significant moment like that occurred also at 3:33am about four or five years ago. I was asleep, in a dream, when a text message came in. I woke up long enough to respond a couple of times, but it was non-sense. So, I drifted back into a dream when BOOM the sound of what seemed like a gun shot went off in the room and a picture simultaneously fell off the wall. I won't recap the whole story... but it's a doozie of events that just scream out for attention. Kinda like our president...

The time before that I had been out playing pool and stayed out late night. When I arrived home I cranked up the laptop when there she appeared in the form of a Match.com chat window at precisely 3:33am. Normally, I hate chat, and/or pop up ads, but this was an attractive young woman listed as Asian, Jewish, liking smokeless tobacco, and horses. My kinda girl, I say! At least, that's what it said on her Match.com profile. Sounds like a pile of horse manure? Just wait 'til you hear the rest of that story!!!

There was no thunder except for the sound of horses hooves in my imagination. Exactly, what I was looking for... an Asian Jew who likes to chew and go giddy-up! She was from Union Point, GA. I had never heard of Union Point. Have you?

Well, I found out about Union Point, GA after that, but I'm saving the rest of the story for the stage. Next month, on September 13th, I'm going to tell a story of "Toils and Troubles" at Rabbit Box where I was invited to share not only a story, but a true story! Don't worry... It's rated G! The "G" stands for Galaxy, but you'll have to wait to find out why!

Thanks for reading! Now, come hear me speak. I just hope my voice isn't scratchy because his seems to be very clear. Though, I guess it could be my imagination.

...

Friend Me!!! And, if you don't, that's ok too!!!

http://facebook.com/newman.gabe

P.S. I don't know why every now an then BLOGSPOT posts sometimes creates larger than normal spacing between paragraphs. I try to correct it but it is un-repsonsive to my requests. It's like at work and with all the machines I work with. I am convinced God uses computers, and "God's gift to comedy", largely to teach us patience.

Peace to you!