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My Beer Guard

Well, I hope everyone had as good a Thanksgiving as I did, but we all know that's not a realistic idea if I had a realistically great Thanksgiving.  From Syrian refugees, to Puerto Rican hurricanees, to those the same in the Virgin Islands, and to so many across the globe facing starvation, and the harshest living conditions, without a soup kitchen anywhere near by, not even conceived in their minds.  It is certain I am most thankful to have spent my Thanksgiving as I did.  Being displaced myself by Irma, I have very little to complain about with justification, though our own injustices do exist, we can't really complain too much when we get a parking ticket, if you know what I mean.

Once again, it began at 5 Bar in downtown Athens.  5 Bar is probably the best thing ever to come out of Alabama... Besides Kirby Smart!  Go DAWGZ, the 2017 SEC Champs!  That's some SMART Football!

Also, once again, the meal was superb, although if anybody went there on my word, I apologize, because I've been telling people for a couple of years now that you can cut the ham and turkey with your fork, which is true.  Only, this year the meal was served with plastic cutlery.  So, you couldn't prove my point.  If you tried and broke your fork, I'll own it!  No disrespect to 5 Bar.  I just wanted to preserve my credibility.

I am all about properly managing expectations in life, unlike others who might have an office shaped like an oval, but claims it's a square!  The ham and turkey were still sublime.  That's how i started my day at 11am with what amounted to a Thanksgiving brunch.

At 1:30 in the afternoon, my longtime friend Captain Paul picked me up to go to his house where his wife and her parents were there as well as his sister and brother in law.  Let me not fail to mention Colby, the greatest dog, and even Kenny, Leah & Fluffy, the cat who won't come inside the house even though there's a cat door.  This is the third year in a row I've been to the Captains house for T-day!

As we were having conversation, the Captain asked me if the cat had gotten my tongue because I wasn't saying too much.  The fact of the matter is I was doing much more listening than talking because I wasn't saying much.  The fact of the matter is I was doing much more listening than talking because I was surrounded by a bunch of highly intelligent people.  The best thing I could do was listen, and then try to make some relevant and/or comedic interjection, my specialty.

One thing is for sure, I felt at home and well I should have as the Capt'n told me I was considered a member of the family.  All I had to do was make it through the two previous feasts, and this one without pissing anybody off which I generally don't have any tendency to do.  The most beautiful part of it was we didn't discuss politics at all.  That's great because there was only one Trump supporter in the house and we all broke bread together in peace.

As soon as I walked in the door I was immediately joyfully greeted by Colby, the shiny black mixed breed, best in the whole wide world... I know, I know, you think your dog is too.  And, well, you're right, too!  Colby is black, but he was a white chest.  So, he looks like he's always wearing a tuxedo which is great because he has a particularly regal look about him.  It's perfect!

Shortly after we arrived, and none too soon, the first bottle of wine was uncorked, and from then on it flowed.  It was a rose, sweet, but light.  Good for starters, but the reds soon followed.  It wasn't until later that Captain Paul fired up the grill.  Untraditionally, we were not to have turkey this year, and neither did we last year when we had roasted duck, my first time to partake of the fowl.  This year, there was another new bird, quail, along with duck sausage and wild boar chops.  Those were my favorite and they don't taste like chicken, but they do taste like steak.  I've always said that one day I will dine with kings, and queens.  This must be what it's like except nobody was wearing any crowns.

As the Captain and I were on the patio, I think i made the comment that everyone was such a wealth of knowledge and information, and perspective which is why using my ears twice as much as my mouth.  It was then the Captain informed me that he and I were the only two people of the seven that weren't Phd's.  Then, it all made sense!  I was hanging with the doctors!  Not only that, but Dr. Dan was originally from Lithuania.  His wife, the matriarch of the house, was straight outta Scotland, and her daughter, the captain's wife, an archaeologist grew up in San Francisco where Ma & Pa currently reside.  Cheers!  And, that we did until midnight when everyone pretty much agreed it was time to hit the hay.

I was to take the sofa bed, and Colby was my bunk mate.  I've house sat for the Captain and his wife a couple of times before.  So, Colby and I already know each other.  Cats are usually a little slower to warm up, but Kenny and Leah were much more sociable than times before, but no cats in the bed please.  I'm allergic and even if I wasn't that would be absurd.  Can you imagine me sleeping with two cats and a dog?!?  I'm a dog person, yo?  Go DAWGZ!  Sorry, cat people.  That's just how it is.

The next morning came with the sunrise shining in from the east when I awoke to find Colby siting upright on the bed seemingly enjoying the moment.  So, I joined him saying, "Colby you're a rock star like Elvis", as he continued to watch the scene.  I continued, "But, with that tuxedo you're wearing you're more like Sinatra", when his ears immediately perked up as if he knew exactly what I was saying.

And, so it was the morning did rise as did all of us from our Thanksgiving slumber.  We had breakfast, and then it was time to go.  More company was to arrive that afternoon when Dr. Alison's brother and his wife were to come into town.

The next day was Saturday.  I had already made my way to the Oink House and ordered a pitcher of PBR when my phone rang.  It was Captain Paul.  They were coming to eat lunch at the Oink House and wanted to know if I would join them.  Having already eaten, I explained, I would join them for beers only!

As I was waiting an attractive blonde comes into the bar wearing a pair of Ray Ban Aviators, and grey ball cap with pink lettering in the form of LA, a Dodgers cap, but pink and grey.  She was heading in my direction with a smile on her face.  I was the only one sitting there.  She plopped up two chairs down, and I said, "Well, you sure do look like Hollywood"!

She kind of laughed, and said, "Nah, I'm just hung over", which caused me to make a "Phwf" sound, with a following laugh!  I didn't bother to tell her I was trying to pay her a compliment, because took it and turned it into a joke, and that was good enough.  She knows she's hot anyway.

About that time my party arrived and so I greeted them at the door with and embrace from Papa!  That was kinda cool.  It made me feel very European, as so often in other cultures men greet men with a hug, and even a kiss on the cheek.  We didn't go that far, but it was a gesture not often done in American culture.  I come from a family of huggers.  So, it was an old familiar for me.

Anyway, we were seated in the booth, and went back over to see LA and explain to her I was going to leave my pitcher on the bar next to her, if she wouldn't mind, as I returned to my party with a pint of beer, not the whole pitcher.  She said, "No problem", and I quickly deemed her My Beer Guard, which she seemed to like.  She knew the guy working the bar anyway and they started talking and I sat back down.

The food came as ordered, very quickly as is often the case at the Oink House.  Everybody started to eat, and I returned to fill my glass, thanking My Beer Guard for her service and protection from anyone who might want to spike my beer with GHB!  She laughed, and agreed.

As the meal was consumed and conversation flowed, it was time for My Beer Guard to go.  As she came walking by I gave her a grip, as stopped to say, "You're on your own now, but I think you'll be fine".  I explained to the table that this was My Beer Guard, to which they nodded, sort of astonished, as I thanked her again.  And, that folks, is just how I met My Beer Guard, and her name is Rachel.

Happy Thanksgiving & Happy Valentine's Day!

Thanks for reading!


~Gabe


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